Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
