I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
