You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
