I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
