we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
