I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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