Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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