as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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