I hate your face
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I die, sorry about rent.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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