I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
