Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize