My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You smell like stripper and shame
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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