Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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