Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just pynch a tree in the face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
