he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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