Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
