I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
