Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
