my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
