ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
