Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pants are for mortals
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
