Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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