the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize