You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize