When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
this just has baby written all over it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize