I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
