Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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