I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im six kinds of drunk right now
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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