I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
