Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
