my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
