I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
