Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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