Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
