I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
