Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
