So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
