someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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