weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize