Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
