I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
