My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
