Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
