apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
