I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
