i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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