I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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