No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
