Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
