Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
