I think my vagina is haunted
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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