maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
