I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
