at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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