Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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