That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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