he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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