I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize