The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Randomize
