In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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