lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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