Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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