the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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