The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
